Q. What has 160 teeth and guards a giant?
A. My zipper.
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A lady goes to the dentist, who tells her that she needs a root canal. She replies, "I'd rather have a baby." Dentist says, "well let me know, I have to adjust the chair."
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This guy runs in to a bar and tells the bartender to line up 7 shots of tequila. The bartender lines them up and the guy slams them one right after another. The bartender asks, "Damn man, are you celebrating or something?" The guy says, "Well... I guess I'm sorta celebrating my first blow job." The bartender says, "Well hell man, let me buy you another!" and the guy says, "No thanks, if that first 7 didn't get the taste out of my mouth then nothing will."
-

Q. What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scottsman?
A. The Rolling Stones say, "Hey you, get off of my cloud!"
The Scottsman says, "Hey McCleod, get off of my ewe!"
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Two men were driving through Texas when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick. "What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.
"You're in Texas, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in Texas, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."
"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license and he comes back clean. He gives the guy his license back, then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the trooper smacks him on the head with his nightstick.
"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands. "Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.
"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.
"Because I know your type," the trooper says, "two miles down the road you'd have turned to your buddy and said, 'I wish that ******* would've tried that **** with me!"
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There's this guy who drinks beer at a local bar every night. One night, he came in and had nothing to drink. The bartender was curious and asked him why he wasn't drinking anything. The man replied, "I don't drink anymore...last night I blew chunks."
"Oh man, that's nothing," the bartender replies. "Everyone gets a little sick after drinking at times!"
"No, no," the man replies, "you don't understand.... Chunks is my dog."
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Q. What's the difference between a Hoover and a Harley?
A. The position of the dirt bag.
-

Q. What's the difference between a tribe of Pygmies and a women's track team?
A. The Pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.

 

Funny story:

<Anonymous> Now, I’m sure many of you have encountered little ****s in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little ****s that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it.
<Anonymous> Okay, here’s the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the ****ing skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little ****’s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little **** he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming “****! ****!.” Now, my good friend, Tom we’ll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting “****! MAYBE HE DIDN’T GET IT! ****!.” By now, the kid is scared ****less and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid.
<Anonymous> Here’s the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, “Mam, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I’m… I’m ****ING HIV POSITIVE.”
<Anonymous> And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just ****ed up big time because his mom isn’t defending his ***. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my **** from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just s we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the **** she is.
<Anonymous> I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob.

 

voodoo, I love that joke

 

Ah a Voodoo Classic !
Have to remember that one....

A young lieutenant arrives in India, back in the 1870's.
Sees an older Colonel sitting at the bar in the Regimental Mess, walks over, introduces himself, and asks
'I say colonel, I see we have a croquet pitch - d'you fancy having a game ?'
Old Colonel replies
'No thanks, tried it once, didn't like it.'
The young Lieutenant has a couple of drinks, sees a dart board, and asks the Colonel if he'd fancy a game of darts
'No thanks, tried it once, didn't like it.' says the Colonel
The young officer in desperation, asks the colonel if he'd fancy a frame or two of snooker
'No thanks, tried it once, didn't like it.' says the Colonel
But my son will be around in a while - he fancies a game.....'

'Ah, your only son, I presume, sir ?'

 

I will add a few of my favs, mostly oldies i think.
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".
Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely **** my pants."


A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about *****, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a *****?"
The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a *****." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."
The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a *****?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a *****!"
The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"

The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

 

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'
And then the fight started..... [align=center]
[hr][/align]
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school re, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started..... [align=center]
[hr][/align]
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started... … [align=center]
[hr][/align]
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started……

 

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,
the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist, and
the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly
drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,
'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He
divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,
'Measure, do your stuff.'

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10
ounce glass from the cupboard and poured
exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can
your cat do?'

The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'CoffeeBreak, do your
stuff.'


CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......



ate the cookies........

drank the milk.......

sh*t on the paper.......


screwed the other three cats.......

claimed he injured his back while doing so.......

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......

put in for Workers Compensation...............and


went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............

 

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man 'Why are you eating grass?'
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you', the lawyer said.
'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree'.
'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us also.'The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'
'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway,one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and
said, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 metre high!'

 

Q. What's the hardest part of putting on roller blades?
A. Telling your parents you're gay.
-

This guy at the beach is trying to pick up chicks but he keeps getting shut down. So he asks a lifeguard why he's not having any luck with the ladies. The lifeguard says, "you're wearing those baggy old man swimming shorts dude, you gotta get a speedo that's 2 sizes too small and put a potato in it and you can pick up the girls."

So the guy gets a speedo that's 2 sizes too small and puts a potato in it, but now the girls are just busting out laughing at him. He's pissed and goes back to the lifeguard and points out that his plan isn't working when the lifeguard says, "dude, you gotta put the potato in the front."
-

(this one is only good if you are a golfer)

Q. How did golf get it's name?
A. The other four letter words were already taken.
-

Yo momma is so stupid, I asked her to buy me a color tv and she asked, "which color?" Flashback~
-

This one is disgusting, but it made me laugh the first time I heard it.

A man is released from a 20 year sentence in prison, of which he served the entire term. His friend tells him to go to this girl that he knows, and get the best BJ ever.

So he goes there, pays her, and she turns out the lights. She then proceeds to give him the best BJ ever while humming the star spangled banner. He is perplexed by this but never the less comes back the next day and she repeats the process.

After a few days he says, "I have got to know how she does this!" and goes back, this time with a flash light. He waits for her to get to the middle of the song and then turns on the flash light, but is blinded temporarily by the reflection of something on the coffee table. He yells, "what the **** is that!?" and she, without stopping the BJ simply says, "Oh, that's my glass eye......"
-

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor, "show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then pushed her elbow and screamed some more. She pushed her knee and screamed, then pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "you're not really a redhead, are you?"
"Well no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," said the doctor, "your finger is broken.
-

Q. How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?
A. She fits in to your wife's clothes.
-

Q. What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?
A. A quarter pounder with cheese.
-

A family consisting of a man, woman, little boy and their dog were out vacationing at the Grand Canyon when they stopped to take in one of the views. While they were out, an eagle swooped down and picked up the dog and began to fly away with it. The father reacted quickly though, and leaps up to grab the dog by it's hind legs, an act which brings him off balance enough to start going over the railing. The mother reacts too, and grabs the husband by his ankle, but his weight is too much and they all go toppling over.

The little boy is hysterical and as he is sitting there crying a strange man comes up to him and asks what's wrong.

"My mom..*sob* ... and my dad... *sob* ... and my dog... *sob*... all fell over the cliff...*sob*..." he says as the tears roll down his face.

The man shakes his head, pulls down his zipper and whips it out saying, "Man, you're just not going to have a good day are you?"

 

Catholic girls in heaven:
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish.

They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, 'Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?'

She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.' St. Peter says, 'Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question 'Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?' The girl is a little reluctant but replies, 'Well,
once I fondled and stroked one.' St. Peter says, 'Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, 'Reeva, What seems to be the rush?'

The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to
do it before Jessica sticks her *** in it!'