Step 1: Admission. I was in the military. I am no longer normal. I have a problem. This is the first step to recovery.

Step 2: Speech
* Time doesn't begin with a zero or end in a hundred. It is not 0530; it is 5:30 in the morning (not "o-dark-thirty, just "God-awful
early"). It is not 1400; it is "almost time to go home."

* Words like "deck," "rack," and "PT" will get you weird looks. It's "floor," "bed," "workout;" get used to it.

* "F***" can no longer be used to replace whatever word you can't think of or don't have the time to pronounce all of the syllables. Try "yertz" or maybe "doodle."

* Grunting is no longer talking, and you will not be understood, no matter how clearly you grunt.

* It's a phone not a radio, dumbass, so conversations on the phone no longer contain "say again all after..." or end with "out."

* People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you are coming from Camp Victory with a THT or that your J33 sent you on a 90-day to HOA to coord on the TPFDL.

Step 3: Style

* Do not put starch or creases in your jeans.
* Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts. You shouldn't have to break starch to get into your dress shirts in the morning.

* A horseshoe cut makes you look like a criminal, not highly motivated.

* A high and tight makes you one step away from a skinhead, not totally hooah.

* A hat indoors is not a wanton violation of what you and everyone else holds dear, and it does not make you a bad person; it makes you just like the rest of the world.

* You do not have to wear a belt (or khaki-colored Dockers with a button-down collar) ALL the time.

Step 4: Women

* Yes, Air Force girls are easy, very easy, but all other women are not this easy and will probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like Air Force girls.

* Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6-month marriages, even if it is your first.

* Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks no longer makes financial sense; it makes you a moron.

Step 5: Personal Accomplishment

* Every place you've ever traveled to and every professional training course you take is no longer worn on your shirt.

* The weave of the other guy's tie or the quality of his shoes is your only clue as to where he fits and the role he plays in the
organization, so you'd better watch what you say, and to whom.

* The fact that you were knocked unconscious several times while doing your old job is no longer relevant.

* Being able to do pushups no longer makes you good at your job.
* Most people will be sickened and disturbed if you tell them about people you have killed or seen die.

* How much pain you can take and how many hours you can go without sleep without hallucinating is no longer a personal
accomplishment or measure of worth.

* The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway is no longer a strong personal accomplishment.

Step 6: Drinking

* Being drunk before 1700, er, ah, 5:00 pm now gets you an intervention and counseling with the employee assistance folks, not a
"good for you" from your peers.

* That time you drank a fifth of Jaeger and pissed in your closet is not a very good conversation starter.

* That time you went to the combat life saver school and practiced giving each other vodka IVs also will not be a good conversation starter.

Step 7: Bodily Functions

* The size of the dump you took yesterday is no longer interesting/funny, no matter how big/long/curly it was, how much it burned, how much it smelled, how much it looked like the Loch Ness monster, where you left it, etc.

* You can't make fun of someone for being sick/injured, no matter how funny it is.

* VD is no longer funny.

Step 8: The Human Body

* No one except that freaky-scary goth chick in

 

that is awsome....

 

Awwwww Funny!!!

 

You always have good ones!! Great!!

 

That was so awesome! You really had me laughing hard with a few of them (the ones I related to) the best of all of them is:
* Read the contracts before you sign them; remember what happened the first time.
+1 damn good post

 

I'm guessing you've done this one a time or two.


* That time you drank a fifth of Jaeger and pissed in your closet is not a very good conversation starter.

 

Awesome....

Props on the post Telgren. Good stuff!

 

I can honestly say I never remember drinking a fifth of Jaeger.... tequilla is what does it for me. Some good herradura tequilla you can sip on all night long.

 

Did the person that posted this ever serve in the military by any chance?

 

three years united states army infantry. Fort Myer, VA - The Old Guard!