Ok, I unplugged the ignition wiring and tested the bike-side plug (female). There are 4 wires, one tested hot, one tested ground, 2 didn't test. I put some dielectric grease on the plug before reconnecting it, turned the key and tested the bike side wires themselves, then I had two hots and two grounds, and the N and FI lights come and flicker in time with a clicking sound coming from a relay on the right side sub-frame. There are 2 relays there, it's the rear one.

None of the lighting or dash comes on, but the clock flashes off when turning the key on, then comes back on. The fuel pump still doesn't come on, and the tach no longer cycles.

Next?

The two relays right there are identical, including part numbers, so to see if it was a bad relay, I swapped them, but the response was the same, so it's not the fuel cut relay.

Any other ideas? I really don't know where else to go. :\

They DO die that fast. My bike acted exactly the same way when the battery was dying/dead. Clicking from the starter indicates that it's getting power but not enough to turn the motor over. It's likely that your battery just isn't holding enough a charge to start the bike. Test it with a multimeter if you can and check the voltage output.