New Rules
#1
07-29-2007 | 08:17 PM
Thread Starter
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 979
Likes: 0
From: Brookings, SD
New Rules
New Rule:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better
description for these kids:.... lucky bastards.
New Rule:
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your
idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle
of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery
taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You
want flavored water? Pour some Jack Daniels over ice and let
it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
*******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *******.
New Rule and this one is long overdue:
No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is
offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George
Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just
some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam,
dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule:
Stop sending me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain
of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human
finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chilli. Hey, it cost less
than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily,
it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have
voted to keep it alive.
New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ***. And
it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too
damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.
They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule:
I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, when you have to give everyone in the Cineplex
a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
remember the reason something was a television show in the first
place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from
rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy
it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of
looting.
New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months: "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not
cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.
#5
07-29-2007 | 10:22 PM
Jan 2009 ROTM
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 5,493
Likes: 0
RE: New Rules
ORIGINAL: telgren
New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
*******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *******.
New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
*******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *******.
Wow is that a real drink sheesh...........anyhow awsome post Telgren
#7
07-30-2007 | 12:23 AM
Retired Moderator ans All Around Good Guy
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 4,859
Likes: 0
RE: New Rules
ORIGINAL: telgren
New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
*******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *******.
New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
*******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *******.
#9
07-30-2007 | 03:51 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 17
Likes: 0
From:
RE: New Rules
New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too
damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.
They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too
damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.
They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
The winner took home like $50,000 or some sh*t like that.
