Funny crackhead story
#1
05-17-2007, 05:41 PM
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Funny crackhead story
Found this on another site. I think the guy got it off of craigslist. Pretty funny[/align]
Dear Crackhead,
Yes, you. You sick ****er. On Wednesday morning I emerged from my girlfriend's building by U.N. Plaza to find that you had sawed the tops off both the sparkplugs on my motorcycle. At the time, I had no idea why anyone would do that. Other than the sparkplugs, the bike was untouched. Some kind of bizarre vandalism? A fraternity prank gone awry? I had no idea. All I knew is that I looked like a huge douchebag riding the Muni to work in a padded motorcycle jacket and helmet.
Because the bike was immobilized I got a $35 street sweeping ticket that night. Thursday I had it towed to the shop ($45) where they replaced the sparkplugs and the boots ($50 including labor). They explained to me that "people" - I use the term loosely here - like you break off the tops of spark plugs and use the porcelain tubes to smoke crack. As an engineer and former MacGyver fan, in a way I think this is kind of cool. But then I remember that I just paid $100 for YOUR crackpipes, and I get angry again.
Crackhead, it was really good to have my bike back though. I rode home from the shop with a couple of spare sparkplugs and a smile on my face. I figured the next time I parked at my girlfriend's place overnight I would have to buy some crackpipes and tape them to my bike as a peace offering. Overall, I wasn't that upset. Despite having to ride the bus for three days and dropping a hundred bones at the shop, I had gained some fascinating knowledge, a new set of sparkplugs, and a pretty funny anecdote about how ****ed up you are, and how our paths once crossed briefly in the night.
But you couldn't just let sleeping dogs lie, could you Crackhead. You couldn't just stay in on Friday, watch Letterman through the window of a home electronics store and then call it a night. You couldn't rest on your laurels. Two porcelain sparkplug crackpipes just wasn't enough for you, was it Crackhead? You just had to come back for more.
This morning, a scant fifteen hours after I rode it out of the shop, I found my motorcycle violated once again. This time you only took the right one - maybe you were having an off night. At least this time I had a spare sparkplug and the tools to fix it - or so I thought - having ordered a 73-piece toolset from SEARS.com last week. But no, the sparkplug socket in my new toolset was for American sparkplugs. So I had to go down to the neighborhood Ace hardware. They had an 18mm socket that would fit over my sparkplug, but it was for a 1/2" drive ratchet. My toolkit only has 1/4" and 3/8" ratchets. So I had to buy a 1/2" ratchet along with the socket. Even though the clerk took pity on me and gave me the senior citizen discount (I'm 25) it still cost me $22 all told. Now, you might say that I should have just gotten a 3/8"-to-1/2" drive adaptor instead of springing for the whole ratchet. And to that I say "Shut the hell up, Crackhead, I'm not finished. And besides, I was eventually going to buy a 1/2" ratchet anyway so it's probably not worth it to take it back now."
OK, now I'm rambling. But the point is, Crackhead, that you have done me wrong. Now, I get that you love crack. That is totally understandable. I've heard it is really fun, at first, and quite addictive. What I don't understand is,
YOU ARE A CRACKHEAD. WHY DON'T YOU OWN A CRACKPIPE?
I am an engineer. Do you ever see me shaking down bums in the Loin for a calculator and sliderule? No, you don't. Because engineering is the main thing I do, I went and bought myself a calculator. The main thing you do is crack. How do you get by without a crackpipe? The other crackheads must clown on you non-stop. I mean, the ****ing saw you used to saw off my sparkplugs is probably worth five or ten bucks. Why not sell or trade it for a crackpipe? You really haven't put much thought into this, have you?
Please, Crackhead, please don't tell me you sold your
Dear Crackhead,
Yes, you. You sick ****er. On Wednesday morning I emerged from my girlfriend's building by U.N. Plaza to find that you had sawed the tops off both the sparkplugs on my motorcycle. At the time, I had no idea why anyone would do that. Other than the sparkplugs, the bike was untouched. Some kind of bizarre vandalism? A fraternity prank gone awry? I had no idea. All I knew is that I looked like a huge douchebag riding the Muni to work in a padded motorcycle jacket and helmet.
Because the bike was immobilized I got a $35 street sweeping ticket that night. Thursday I had it towed to the shop ($45) where they replaced the sparkplugs and the boots ($50 including labor). They explained to me that "people" - I use the term loosely here - like you break off the tops of spark plugs and use the porcelain tubes to smoke crack. As an engineer and former MacGyver fan, in a way I think this is kind of cool. But then I remember that I just paid $100 for YOUR crackpipes, and I get angry again.
Crackhead, it was really good to have my bike back though. I rode home from the shop with a couple of spare sparkplugs and a smile on my face. I figured the next time I parked at my girlfriend's place overnight I would have to buy some crackpipes and tape them to my bike as a peace offering. Overall, I wasn't that upset. Despite having to ride the bus for three days and dropping a hundred bones at the shop, I had gained some fascinating knowledge, a new set of sparkplugs, and a pretty funny anecdote about how ****ed up you are, and how our paths once crossed briefly in the night.
But you couldn't just let sleeping dogs lie, could you Crackhead. You couldn't just stay in on Friday, watch Letterman through the window of a home electronics store and then call it a night. You couldn't rest on your laurels. Two porcelain sparkplug crackpipes just wasn't enough for you, was it Crackhead? You just had to come back for more.
This morning, a scant fifteen hours after I rode it out of the shop, I found my motorcycle violated once again. This time you only took the right one - maybe you were having an off night. At least this time I had a spare sparkplug and the tools to fix it - or so I thought - having ordered a 73-piece toolset from SEARS.com last week. But no, the sparkplug socket in my new toolset was for American sparkplugs. So I had to go down to the neighborhood Ace hardware. They had an 18mm socket that would fit over my sparkplug, but it was for a 1/2" drive ratchet. My toolkit only has 1/4" and 3/8" ratchets. So I had to buy a 1/2" ratchet along with the socket. Even though the clerk took pity on me and gave me the senior citizen discount (I'm 25) it still cost me $22 all told. Now, you might say that I should have just gotten a 3/8"-to-1/2" drive adaptor instead of springing for the whole ratchet. And to that I say "Shut the hell up, Crackhead, I'm not finished. And besides, I was eventually going to buy a 1/2" ratchet anyway so it's probably not worth it to take it back now."
OK, now I'm rambling. But the point is, Crackhead, that you have done me wrong. Now, I get that you love crack. That is totally understandable. I've heard it is really fun, at first, and quite addictive. What I don't understand is,
YOU ARE A CRACKHEAD. WHY DON'T YOU OWN A CRACKPIPE?
I am an engineer. Do you ever see me shaking down bums in the Loin for a calculator and sliderule? No, you don't. Because engineering is the main thing I do, I went and bought myself a calculator. The main thing you do is crack. How do you get by without a crackpipe? The other crackheads must clown on you non-stop. I mean, the ****ing saw you used to saw off my sparkplugs is probably worth five or ten bucks. Why not sell or trade it for a crackpipe? You really haven't put much thought into this, have you?
Please, Crackhead, please don't tell me you sold your
#9
05-17-2007, 10:52 PM
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RE: Funny crackhead story
Take a piece of razor wire from a security fence, coat said razor fence with salt, arsenic, methadone, narcan and viagra. Also, make sure there is a puddle of water under your bike so that you will get the full potential from the the DC current connected to said razor wire. Splice into a digital communication line such as cable or phone line and find the DC + wire, in most areas this is up to around 70 volts. DC current will hold it's victim unlike AC voltage. The alternating cycle of AC current will allow a person to release the wire. But we are anticipating that the razor wire with salt, arsenic, methadone, narcan and viagra will snag said crack head hand and keep him/her in place. Why all of the chemicals on the said razor wire? Salt will hurt like hell, arsenic... crack head already likes taking a poison so why not let us choose one? Methadone and Narcan and drug used to treat and counter the effects of narcotics so by adding this, we kill his/her buzz so they feel everything. Viagra, well... it's a vasodilator, so he'll go out with a stiffy and bleeding like a crazy....
This being said... anyone care to mess with my bike?
This being said... anyone care to mess with my bike?
#10
05-18-2007, 12:30 AM
RE: Funny crackhead story
ORIGINAL: doncollins
Take a piece of razor wire from a security fence, coat said razor fence with salt, arsenic, methadone, narcan and viagra. Also, make sure there is a puddle of water under your bike so that you will get the full potential from the the DC current connected to said razor wire. Splice into a digital communication line such as cable or phone line and find the DC + wire, in most areas this is up to around 70 volts. DC current will hold it's victim unlike AC voltage. The alternating cycle of AC current will allow a person to release the wire. But we are anticipating that the razor wire with salt, arsenic, methadone, narcan and viagra will snag said crack head hand and keep him/her in place. Why all of the chemicals on the said razor wire? Salt will hurt like hell, arsenic... crack head already likes taking a poison so why not let us choose one? Methadone and Narcan and drug used to treat and counter the effects of narcotics so by adding this, we kill his/her buzz so they feel everything. Viagra, well... it's a vasodilator, so he'll go out with a stiffy and bleeding like a crazy....
This being said... anyone care to mess with my bike?
Take a piece of razor wire from a security fence, coat said razor fence with salt, arsenic, methadone, narcan and viagra. Also, make sure there is a puddle of water under your bike so that you will get the full potential from the the DC current connected to said razor wire. Splice into a digital communication line such as cable or phone line and find the DC + wire, in most areas this is up to around 70 volts. DC current will hold it's victim unlike AC voltage. The alternating cycle of AC current will allow a person to release the wire. But we are anticipating that the razor wire with salt, arsenic, methadone, narcan and viagra will snag said crack head hand and keep him/her in place. Why all of the chemicals on the said razor wire? Salt will hurt like hell, arsenic... crack head already likes taking a poison so why not let us choose one? Methadone and Narcan and drug used to treat and counter the effects of narcotics so by adding this, we kill his/her buzz so they feel everything. Viagra, well... it's a vasodilator, so he'll go out with a stiffy and bleeding like a crazy....
This being said... anyone care to mess with my bike?
,you first bro!!!!