Let's see how many of you can figure it out.........
Stru ma Bru !

Charley's Chat May 2009 (Bike SA)


Now I don’t know how long you okes have been riding bonies, but after a while most okes get to know exactly where every nut and bolt sits and where every cable sneaks through the frame and exactly how much slack your clutch cable’s got to have and exactly where the brakes start to lock and all that sort of stuff.
And so when an oke goes out and buys himself a new boney, although its all very lekker in the beginning for him to have his maats check him out while he skiets around like a main man, there always lives in the back of that oke’s brain the fear that if this new boney was to sommer suddenly just cut out at the side of the road that there was no way that he could just pull open a side cover and then with his Swiss Army Pocket-Knife fix his boney right then and there.
But that’s only part of the thing I want to tune you about. The real thing that comes with all this getting to know your boney lekker properly is the fact that you know exactly in the traffic how near to a taxi’s door you can ride and also exactly how wide open you can keep your throttle while you’re busy dodging in between diesel patches and holes and bumps in the roads without landing on your gat.
And then the other thing that I must also tune you about is those little beads or studs or bumps or whatever you want to call them that expensive cars have got on the edges of their bumpers these days. These knobbie things on the bumpers are actually little sensors that tune the doff old codger who’s driving the larney cabbie that he’s about to bliksem into a shopping trolley or some other oke’s cabbie while he blindly reverses or just generally cruises his way around in the Pick and Pay parking lot on a Saturday morning. I’m sure you’ve all checked those sensor thingies, they’re small and round and check like they’re studs holding the cabbie's bumper onto the car.
Anyway, so there I am this morning on my way to graft minding my own business skieting along on the N1 North through in between the cabbies and bakkies and stuff running a bit late keeping my elbows tucked in nicely so that I don’t klap too many car-mirrors, when up ahead I check this old auntie in her Bee Em Seven Series swaying left to right just enough for me to know that I mustn’t now scheme that I can suddenly just skiet past her because she’ll sommer squash me flat against some other cabbie without even noticing that she’s wiped me out.
So I pull in behind the BMW, take a quick look at my watch to see just how late I am and then focus back on the tannie and her weaving car again so that I start scheming about how to get past her.
From my Triumph I can check straight through her back window in between the two front seats right onto her dashboard and I can see that she’s got this little like TV screen just above her radio that flashes something every-time she gets close to another cabbie or even the cement wall in the middle of the highway where they’re busy digging and building for 2010. Every time there’s a flash on the screen she checks it out and then steers away from what she was gonna ride into.
On this screen there’s this outline of her car and every time something gets even slightly close to the beads on her bumpers they gooi a flash where the danger is to her car. This old auntie wasn’t even looking in her mirrors. She was sommer driving by the sensors only.
Well I was running late for graft anyway and if you okes have ever met my boss then you’ll know that it doesn’t matter how late you get to work, if you’re a little bit late or a lot late, he’s gonna kak all over your head anyway and because I’d never actually checked anybody use modern technology like this old auntie was busy doing, I decided to just hang back a bit behind her and maybe have some fun.
Ya, ya, I know, I can already hear the namby-pamby Cape Town okes tuning that it’s disgusting to mess with old people, but those old soft Cape Town aunties are a moer of a lot different to our tough Gauteng tannies. Using those finely honed skills that come from knowing your bike lekker that I was tuning you okes about at the start of this story, I let the Triumph drift in really close to her back bumper and then narrowed my eyes and focussed on the screen on her dash.
Immediately there was this flash on her screen and the tannie checked it out and edged forward a bit until the flash was gone. Then I moved over to the left a bit, came in close again and watched the screen again. Again the tannie moved the car away from me and then I came in from the right and the Bee Em moved over to the left. Hey I felt like a sheep dog herding a sheep.
I drifted back to the middle of the car’s bumper again. Next I wanted to check what she would do if I kept forcing her forward into the cars travelling up ahead of her. I moved in close and checked for the flash on the screen again and then the Bee Em started edging forwards again towards the car up ahead.
Now I’ve heard stories about how okes who do experiments on animals and things forget that they are actually living things and get all mal and do ugly stuff to them that they would never normally do and I was just busy scheming that I should maybe stop my game, but then the tannie suddenly makes this hand-brake turn and smokes to a stop right in front of me so hard that I had to keep my boney at full opposite lock just to stop myself from blikseming into her car.
The next thing I check is this handbag swinging through the air just before it klaps me against the head and then these skinny legs in high-heals start kicking the living daylights out of my poor boney...
Like I tuned you okes, our Gauteng tannies are a moer of a lot tougher than the Cape Town ones. Just as well I had my Swiss Army pocket knife with me so I could fix my boney and carry on to graft…

 

Sounds like quite a feisty old tannie , not to be messed with

Neit lekker!

 

I think we'll need more than a secret agent coder-decoder ring fer this thing!

 

Charlie Cooper (who wrote the article) is actually a school teacher in real life
But any Souff Effrikan Bahker can unnnerstan him - stru ma bru he he.
Hawk's got it in one - well done mate !

 

Shadow i lived in Holland for 5 years so it's a bit of a cheat