Biker jokes
#1
04-07-2009, 11:53 AM
Biker jokes
Must be bike related !
I'll start
THE BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says....................
'Grandpa;....... Go home! You're drunk.' . .
I'll start
THE BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says....................
'Grandpa;....... Go home! You're drunk.' . .
#2
04-07-2009, 12:50 PM
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The Heart Surgeon and the Motorcycle Mechanic
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So, Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered to the mechanic ...
"Try doing it with the engine running!"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So, Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered to the mechanic ...
"Try doing it with the engine running!"
#3
04-08-2009, 02:22 AM
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For the Harley boys out there
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation died and went to Heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven".
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the throne room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Oh, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention then yours".
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the throne room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Oh, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
- There is too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
- It chatters constantly at high speeds.
- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust, and finally,
- The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention then yours".
#4
04-08-2009, 02:32 AM
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Lesbian
A biker went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on Harleys. My momma was pregnant with me when she rode on the back of my Daddy's Harley, then as a little boy I rode on the back with my Daddy until I finally got my own Harley. I've been riding a Harley ever since. So yes, I guess I am a real biker."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women." Then she got up and left.
The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down next to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women." Then she got up and left.
The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down next to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
#5
04-09-2009, 11:11 PM
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Stopped for speeding
• A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
#6
04-09-2009, 11:19 PM
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The Vaseline
A young man has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike, the dealer asks if he would like some extra chrome protection added to the bill. The young man is upset because he does not have the extra money, and is now afraid that the chrome will rust as soon as it gets wet. The dealer tells him not to worry. There is an old biker trick that will keep the chrome like new. All he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains - and everything will be fine. The young man happily pays for the bike and leaves.
A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointment time, he picks her up on his new Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family. And no one says a word.......
Next he decides to take a more direct approach, so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And no one says a word.......
Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. And no one says a word........
By now he is getting very worried and is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his new Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.
And the father says "I'll do the dishes!"
A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointment time, he picks her up on his new Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family. And no one says a word.......
Next he decides to take a more direct approach, so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And no one says a word.......
Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. And no one says a word........
By now he is getting very worried and is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his new Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.
And the father says "I'll do the dishes!"
#7
04-11-2009, 06:22 PM
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Bad taste, but it's only a joke
There was a biker in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door the biker saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. It was cold out so she pulled her cape up and headed down the sidewalk. The biker stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised, but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt. Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move. So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. "Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"
http://www.bucketofbloodsaloonvc.com/site_map.htm
Hey, not all bikers are nice and it's only a joke.....
http://www.bucketofbloodsaloonvc.com/site_map.htm
Hey, not all bikers are nice and it's only a joke.....
Last edited by CBRriderNevada; 04-11-2009 at 06:25 PM.
#8
04-11-2009, 06:34 PM
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In the toilet
There was this biker that walked into a bar and ordered a few jagermisters. He began to have a conversation with the bartender and he went from one jagermister to several more. After a couple of hours the biker realized that he had to ****. At this point he was falling down drunk.
The biker asked the bartender where the john was and the bartender replied, "Down the hall, the second door on the right. Whatever you do do not go into the first door on the right."
The biker then got up and walked down the hall and went into the first door on the right. About ten minutes had passed and the bartender knowing that the basement had been flooded earlier and that the first door on the right was a elevator shaft figured that the biker had went through the wrong door.
He went to check on the biker and coming closer to the first door he could hear the biker's yells for help. He opened the door and asked the biker if he was all right.
The biker replied, "I am fine. Just don't flush the toilet!"
The biker asked the bartender where the john was and the bartender replied, "Down the hall, the second door on the right. Whatever you do do not go into the first door on the right."
The biker then got up and walked down the hall and went into the first door on the right. About ten minutes had passed and the bartender knowing that the basement had been flooded earlier and that the first door on the right was a elevator shaft figured that the biker had went through the wrong door.
He went to check on the biker and coming closer to the first door he could hear the biker's yells for help. He opened the door and asked the biker if he was all right.
The biker replied, "I am fine. Just don't flush the toilet!"
#9
04-12-2009, 04:50 PM
This guy walks into a tough Harley Davidson bar with a crocodile under his arm , the bar falls silent as the mean looking bikers watch the stranger walk up to the bar.
He puts the crocodile on the bar , prizes open it's jaws and and places his genitals gently in the crocodiles mouth .
He now has the complete attention of the bikers , he pulls from his pocket a lead filled cosh and proceeds to beat the crocodile around the head while his genitals are still inside the croc's mouth.
After a couple of minutes of dishing out this punishment to the croc', he stops and glareing at the crowd of bikers asks in a loud voice, ' is there anyone here tough enough to have a go?'
There's a long silent pause , then one of the tougher looking Harley riders puts up his hand and says ' I'll have a go , so long as you promise not to hit me too hard with that cosh!'
He puts the crocodile on the bar , prizes open it's jaws and and places his genitals gently in the crocodiles mouth .
He now has the complete attention of the bikers , he pulls from his pocket a lead filled cosh and proceeds to beat the crocodile around the head while his genitals are still inside the croc's mouth.
After a couple of minutes of dishing out this punishment to the croc', he stops and glareing at the crowd of bikers asks in a loud voice, ' is there anyone here tough enough to have a go?'
There's a long silent pause , then one of the tougher looking Harley riders puts up his hand and says ' I'll have a go , so long as you promise not to hit me too hard with that cosh!'
#10
04-12-2009, 05:57 PM
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A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the
Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of mean bikers who were
threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they
wouldn't listen.
"So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked
him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw
it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off, or I'll kick the **** out of
all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago."
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the
Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of mean bikers who were
threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they
wouldn't listen.
"So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked
him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw
it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off, or I'll kick the **** out of
all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago."
Last edited by CBRclassic; 04-12-2009 at 06:04 PM.