Today's giggle
#1703
12-02-2015, 05:24 PM
#1705
12-11-2015, 06:21 AM
#1706
12-11-2015, 03:54 PM
Super Moderator
Is this any better Shadow?
Cheers, SB
Down in Sawtooth Hollow an country gent smokes his pipe on his porch gently rocking back n forth in an ol' rockin' chair.
A young fella trudges past in the dust carryin' a roll of cloth tape. "Whatchya doin' there young fella?" hollers the ol' timer.
"I'm gonna ketch me some ducks with this here Duck tape" says the kid.
"Daym fool" says the Ol' timer "... cant ketch no duck wi' duck tape !"
Later that day the kid come past with 3 ducks
Few days later , a similar scenario; the kids draging a yard of chicken wire behind him. "Whatchya doin' wi' that there chickin wire there young fella?" hollers the ol' timer".
"I'm gonna ketch me some chickens" says the kid.
" You darn just crazy kid! , nobody eva caught no chickins with no chickin wire!" says the fella
Later that day the kid comes by with 4 decent sized chckens under his arms.
The old bloke rocks and scratches his chin with his corn cob pipe
Next day the kid come trudging along carrying a stick. "Whatchya got there young fella?" hollers the ol' timer"
"This here is some ***** willow" says the kid.
"N.. now hold on there boy, I'm comin' with ya"
A young fella trudges past in the dust carryin' a roll of cloth tape. "Whatchya doin' there young fella?" hollers the ol' timer.
"I'm gonna ketch me some ducks with this here Duck tape" says the kid.
"Daym fool" says the Ol' timer "... cant ketch no duck wi' duck tape !"
Later that day the kid come past with 3 ducks
Few days later , a similar scenario; the kids draging a yard of chicken wire behind him. "Whatchya doin' wi' that there chickin wire there young fella?" hollers the ol' timer".
"I'm gonna ketch me some chickens" says the kid.
" You darn just crazy kid! , nobody eva caught no chickins with no chickin wire!" says the fella
Later that day the kid comes by with 4 decent sized chckens under his arms.
The old bloke rocks and scratches his chin with his corn cob pipe
Next day the kid come trudging along carrying a stick. "Whatchya got there young fella?" hollers the ol' timer"
"This here is some ***** willow" says the kid.
"N.. now hold on there boy, I'm comin' with ya"
Cheers, SB
#1707
12-13-2015, 02:44 AM
Crazy CBR Salvage Guy. RIP
#1708
12-17-2015, 07:15 AM
Dam Kids
7 Reasons Not To Match Wits With Children
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, ’When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah’.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, ’Then you ask him’.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds
After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
O ne day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, ’Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
T he children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it
will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a
doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she’s dead.'
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
T he children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples...'
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, ’When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah’.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, ’Then you ask him’.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds
After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
O ne day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, ’Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
T he children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it
will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a
doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she’s dead.'
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
T he children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples...'
#1710
12-17-2015, 07:30 PM
Super Moderator
Neologisms
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words...and the winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. *****-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), gross olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
12. Pokémon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
13. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
14. Frisbeetarianism (n.1 (back by popular demand): The belief that when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Cheers, SB
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. *****-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), gross olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
12. Pokémon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
13. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
14. Frisbeetarianism (n.1 (back by popular demand): The belief that when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Cheers, SB