A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing moment in listener's lives. The final four were:


4th Place
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's willie last night.' After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter...


3rd Place
It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled 'SURPRISE'. My entire family parents, grand parents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.


2nd Place
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally Got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, 'Price check for Tampax supersize.' But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks ' , and replied in a business like tone, his voice booming over the same public address system: 'Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind of one you belt in with a hammer.


1st Place. And the winner is . . ..
This happened at a major Australian University, during a biology lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?' The professor responded, yes, that's correct adding some statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why doesn't it taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without another word, walked out of the class. However, as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question. 'It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat'.


:eek:

LMFAO, That last one is a classic Pete

Classic Pete! LMFAO

lmao very good bet she was pissed of

Yup... they were good Pete.. lol:D thanks for the laugh mate..:D

You might have heard this before. If not just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. The Harbour City dropped to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.
Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'

Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'

DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if

you win. What is your name? First only please.'

Contestant: 'Brian.'

DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'

Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'

DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'

Brian: 'Sarah.'

DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'

Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'

DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'

DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'

Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'

DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'

Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'

DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said

that if a trip wasn't at stake.'

Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'

DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this

morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'

DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'

Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us

for couple of weeks...'

DJ: 'Uh huh...'

Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'

DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred

times I've done it.

Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and

call her up.

You listen to this.' [ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch

tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: 'Kinkos.'

DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

Clerk: 'This is she.'

DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and

I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'

DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to

give any answers away or you'll lose.

Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'

Sarah: 'No.'

DJ: 'Good!'

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be

completely honest.'

DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah.

If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off

to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'

DJ: 'What time?'

Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'

Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his

manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away

from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Where did you have it?'

Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'

Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'

DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Well...'

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: 'Up the Ar$e.....'

:D:D Great stuff. :D:D

Well i hope they won the trip:D

But today i got an email from a mailing list. Which is actually pretty normal and good, but it still was hilarious as he11:)

the email:

From: Wits Choir [mailto:info@witschoir.co.za]
Sent: 7. mai 2009. a. 0:13
To: Wits Choir
Subject: WALE Concert 7 May 2009



Dear Friends



Apologies for such late notice!



The Wits Choir will be performing at the Wits Art and Literature Experience (WALE Festival) tonight. Come along to hear a selection of old favourites and latest hits. If you have not made plans yet, please join us for an evening of beautiful music to warm you from the inside—out.



Date: Thursday 7 May 2009

Time: 19:30

Venue: “The Atrium” – South West Engineering Building, East Campus, University of the Witwatersrand

Cost: R25



For more information on the WALE Festival, please visit www.wits.ac.za/Academic/Humanities/artsexperience2009



Enquiries: Cathy Pisanti – 011 717 1373


well at when i got the mail i first i didn't think much and thought well nice i was thinking to help my friend to cut down some apple trees, but after that why not.
Then still not thinking i clicked to the link and saw the concert is held in Johannesburg and tonight:D:D
well for now there is no chance i get there in time anyway:D Pete you still may have time:D

Mo thanks for that , what a howler!!:D:D

Nah, the Wits singers aren't really my bag..........................
Still, each to his own, eh !

Dear Broken Glass

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course,
the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the
biggest house
adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go
up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is
going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm
voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was
all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side
near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my
window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

" Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see,
I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a
thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three
wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep
the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and
blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my
life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you,young lady,
what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country
in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe
from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex
with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey,
you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you
think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about
you,honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for
you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about
three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly
into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"NO ****."

He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in
genies?"

Yer , that was a good one Pete ...lol:D

adds new meaning to "hitting the bottle" hey :D

Good one Pete!

#2 pencil...

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil (this is too cute)!...You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt with the pencil.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that f***#@^ thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.



Guy goes into an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.


Guy behind the counter says, 'Male or female?'

Customer says, 'Female.'

Counter guy asks, 'Black or white?

Customer says, 'White.'

Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'

Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'



Counter guy says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

:)

:D:D:D Keep 'em comin' Pete!:D:D:D

Holly chit PETE ...LMAO:D yu gotta get a hobby mate ...:D lol


BTW- after a couple of strong lemonades , that is very very funny mate :-) thanks ...

Later that day , the same gentleman returns to the adult shop with his purchase:-

Shop keeper:- 'Yes , can I help you Sir?'

Customer :- 'Hello , I bought this inflatable doll here earlier and it's defective.'

Shop keeper :- 'Oh really , what's wrong with it?'

Customer :- 'It keeps going down on me!'

Shop keeper :- 'Amazing , if I'd known it could do that , I'd have charged you double!!'

Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"


Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna
eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the
toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynecologist leave the room when you get
undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me!!!!)

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . .

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out
the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive
faster?


Do you ever wonder why farts smell worse in an elevator

Great Pete! I always push elevator buttons more than once , infact I push , non-stop untill the elevator arrives , I figure I got nothing better to do while I'm waiting and if it works then I'm on a roll:D

Perspective


One day , the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to
the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people
live.

They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be
considered a very poor family.

On their return from their trip , the father asked his son ,

"How was the trip?"

"It was great, Dad.."

"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.

"Oh yeah , " said the son.

"So, tell me , what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.

The son answered:

"I saw that we have one dog and they had four.

We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have
a creek that has no end.

We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at
night.

Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.

We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go
beyond our sight.

We have servants who serve us , but they serve others.

We buy our food , but they grow theirs.

We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to
protect them."

The boy's father was speechless. Then his son added ,

"Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are."

Isn't perspective a wonderful thing?





"Life is too short and friends are too few."

" Perspective " .... Nice one Pete ... and ow so true ...

I do think we should be born back to front ....
( born at 70 with the perspective of a child and then get younger ...)
The world then might be a better place ?

The RedNeck Sexual IQ Test




1) A condom is a large apartment complex.
True or False

2) Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
True or False

3) Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
True or False

4) A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
True or False

5) A G-string is part of a fiddle.
True or False

6) Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
True or False




7) Testicles are found on an Octopus.
True or False

8) Asphalt describes rectal problems.
True or False

9) Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
True or False

10) Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
True or False

11)An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
True or False

12) A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
True or False




13) An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
True or False

14) A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
True or False

15)An erection is when Japanese people vote.
True or False

16) A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
True or False

17) Pornography is the business of making records.
True or False

18) Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
True or False


:D

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called ' Beer' .

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this ' Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses'in the phone book.

For a video to see how Beer works click link below:


Beer Demo (http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf)

Ah! Mo we've all been victims at some point in our lives. Love the beer goggle's link as well :D:D

Subject: Fw: A wise ole Biker??

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

Free Sex..

Two bikers rode into a gas station in Indiana for a fill-up, because they
heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchased a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.
"If you win, you're entitled to free sex" said the attendant.
"How do we enter?" asked one.
"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10, if you guess right, you win free sex."
"OK. I guess 7," said the other rider.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant.
The next week, the two guys go back to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the one asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.
"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1 and
10, if you guess right. You win free sex."
"2" said the Harley rider.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Y'all come back soon
and try again."
As they walked back to their bikes, one said to the other,
"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."
"No way," came the reply. "My wife won twice last week."

:D

The Irish Golfer



A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.



Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.



'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.



'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball', the golfer says.



'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'



'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'



And the golfer walks off.



'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.



I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'



A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.



'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'



'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'



'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'



'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out 100 pound bills I didn't even know were there!'



'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'



The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'



C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'



Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'



'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'



'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"


The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"


So the koala looks down at him and says
"Fuuuuuuucck dude.......how much water did you drink?!!" :D